Back in October we discussed how to know when enough is enough with lawn ornaments.  One of my neighbors had 87 plastic Halloween decorations in the yard which prompted my musings that day. 

Today my attention was turned to the adornment of an ugly Christmas sweater – actually a Christmas sweater vest – even worse than the ugly sweater.

This sweater was purchased at Menards and was just a “wintery” theme – at the University of Illinois you can’t acknowledge the actual celebration of Christmas – which is an entirely separate article – anyway, the theme of today’s sweater vest was snow people. In true University manner I cannot call them snowmen or snow women as I was unable to see their genitalia.

You really just need to look at the pictures – they say it all.  But the hot glue gun came out, as did cotton snowflakes, garland, LED lights, and tinsel.  The adornment got underway – my only real contribution was to suggest that tinsel be placed under the arms – festive silver underarm hair seemed acceptable.

So while my friend Jamie, who will wear this lit up, holiday abortion, and my assistant worked diligently to decorate while four more of us looked on in stunned amazement, the question came to my mind again. How do you know you’re done decorating?  When is it just right, versus not quite enough, versus over the top?

As it turns out this is a totally arbitrary designation.  Today it occurred when my assistant, the beloved Heatie, hollered, “Nailed it!!”  That’s how you know you’re done – when you, or someone watching yells “Nailed it!”  This can be used with decorating, makeup, your outfit, a performance, an athletic feat, including but not limited to sex, the list goes on and on. The problem is that other spectators or participants may disagree. In their mind you may have totally fucked it up.  So know that “nailing it” is always subject to other interpretations.  Keep that in mind as you haul out all the Christmas inflatables – specifically Baby Jesus does not belong right next to your 20’ blow up Olaf.

And if anyone knows where I can get a giant inflatable Olaf – let me know.  I can plug him in, blow him up in my front yard and yell “nailed it”.  And be done decorating.

Love,

The Gym Bytch