The Pillow Conspiracy

The Pillow Industry Has Us Brainwashed

Saturday, November 19, 2016/Categories: Entries

The Pillow Conspiracy

Between college football and the news there must have been spare time this evening. An infomercial came on for My Pillow. The gentleman that invented My Pillow was warning the viewers of the great conspiracy of the pillow industry to make us believe that all pillows are the same. I was trying to judge his stupidity on something besides his fake orange hair - it reminded me of our president elect - and thoughts of him make me violent. I tried to ignore that he was wearing some version of mom jeans pulled up above his belly button………….I tried to just understand why in the hell this idiot thinks he can make us believe that there is a conspiracy within the pillow industry to make us believe that all pillows are the same.

If this were true - wouldn't it be a pillow monopoly rather than an industry? Seems to me the pillow industry is more about making us believe that we need 63 pillows on our bed, and then we need different pillows on our couches…….and we need holiday pillows on top of that. There are pillows we sleep with our heads on, there are body pillows, tea pillows, euro pillows, standard pillows, king pillows, decorative pillows……the list goes on forever………..

I have 10 pillows on my bed………….that seems like a low number compared to some people I know……..but I like king pillows on either side of me…………….unless I have a human on one side - then I can cut back on my pillow fort - another person could count as a pillow too I suppose……….a human body pillow in effect………

Anyway, I get sucked into infomercials - it all started 32 years ago when I had back surgery - the drugs they gave me to make me relax and sleep instead kept me wide awake and hallucinating. I got the sensation of being the size of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon - and it freaked me out and I couldn't sleep…….on occasion I would wake up someone in the house to tell them I was hallucinating to see if they wanted to entertain me - most of the time they did not want to entertain me at 2am so I just laid there feeling giant. And I watched infomercials - back then my favorite one was about fake hair - you could get hair the color of yours and add it to your hair - like the first version of hair extensions - the half hour spots made me feel certain that happiness was mine if only I had some fake hair. Or maybe that was the drugs talking. We will never know for sure. The only reason there were not boxes of hair being delivered was that I had trouble moving and this was before cell phones so I could not easily get to the land line. 

I have ordered things off of infomercials -and my favorite discovery was the As Seen On TV section in Walgreens - that shit is great - I have bras, and ear wax vac, and the pocket hose --- those are good for a few uses by the way - then they generally develop a bulge and if you are me - you keep the water running and stand there and watch it grow like a runaway tumor until it explodes.

I am please to report that I did not order a My Pillow - the guy was a jack ass - I think he just liked getting his lady models laying on the bed so he could stand at their head, look down their shirt and adjust their My Pillow………but if you go to work for him - you get a free pillow - I think if you go behind the scenes of the infomercial you get tea bagged by him.


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