A friend of mine was sitting around with some of her girlfriends. Discussion turned to a trip to the doctor, and the way one should refer to there rear end. That so often happens in casual conversation, I can’t believe this is the first time I am writing about this topic.
So the question on the table was what do you call your butthole when speaking to the doctor? Well, they decided if you are a 12 year old boy you just call it your butthole. If you are an MD then you call it your anus. Then they ran out of thoughts and turned to me for help.
If you are British you can call it your bum, arsehole or bunghole. But if you are not British – or don’t at least have some kind of foreign accent you will just seem like a total douche bag.
If you are just incredibly crude just say “there’s something wrong with my asshole”. You risk the chance that the doctor will think your boyfriend, husband or significant other is ill though if you phrase it this way.
If you want to cause potential confusion tell the doctor that your brown eye, chocolate starfish, puckered brown eye, rusty bullet hole, old dirt road, or prison purse has been bothering you. God only knows what he will look at and what instrument he will pull out of the drawer. Good luck with that!
If you want to be slightly more delicate you could use backdoor, backend, poop chute, or pooper. Somewhere in between?? Cornhole, shitter or turd cutter could all work.
My real advice --- if there is something wrong with your ass, pick up the phone, call a proctologist, make a self referral and when you get there just say “I am having a problem with your area of expertise”. Just remember if at any point during the exam the doctor is prodding your sphincter and it suddenly dawns on you that both of his/her hands are on your back or shoulders – they are not following typical medical protocol and you might want to report said doctor. (You look confused – I am an equal opportunity offender – if it’s a female doc she could have a strap on.)
Love,
The Gym Bytch